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What Really Knocked Me Out
Were the Cheap Sunglasses
by John Beverly, CBC President 2000
I want to warn anyone who might have recently purchased a set of cheap
sunglasses: be careful what you put in front of your eyes. Some of you may have heard me
grumbling about the sudden disappearance of my new Smith glasses. I had only worn them
about a dozen times, so, being the cheapskate that I am, I decided I would just get a pair
of $10.00 sunglasses at K-mart. There were several modern, trendy styles to pick from and
all had 100% UV protection. "Hey, this is the way to go," I thought, "If I
lose them, no big deal, and they’ll do just as good a job as the Varnets or
Smiths." I happily slapped down the cash and strutted out of the store, sure that I
had beaten the system, proud of my "skintflintedness". I even wore them while
driving home, leaving my Varnet driving glasses lying jealously in their niche on the dash
where they reside on rainy days and between errands in the truck.
The next day I donned them for a 60 mile club ride. Ah, they feel
great. They have small enough lenses to allow air to circulate for cooling, but provide
enough filtered light protection to ensure my eyes remain sharp and protected all day. The
nose bridge is comfortable and not prone to slipping easily. "I have made a well
considered selection," I thought proudly.
Thirty minutes into the ride I am warming up and feeling confident and
strong on the bike. In fact, I feel extra tall in the saddle. I feel as if I am literally
towering over the cars and other riders around me. Wow, I never realized my bike was this
tall. For some reason it seems particularly tall and slim. In fact, I feel taller. I must
still be growing.
An hour has passed and Dawn has disappeared up the mountain with
several other riders and I am somewhere halfway between the slower pack and the faster
pack. It’s time for a short break. I climb down from my tall slim steed, feeling as
if I would nearly have to jump down from it before I would reach the ground. I drink some
water and nibble reluctantly on one of those not-so-delicious semi-dehydrated protein
snacks that we can only enjoy when we’re out on a long bike ride, all the while
looking especially cool in my cheap sunglasses. I took them off and wiped them gingerly
with a towel. "What a great buy I made," I congratulated myself yet again. Then
up rides Hugh. We chat for a minute and before we continue. I carefully slipped the folded
pair of shades into my jersey pocket. "They even fold nice and flat," I
continued to praise them.
Shortly, Hugh went on ahead. I started out a minutes or two later,
after I finished my strawberries and cream. I decided not to replace my cool new specks
right away and started without them. But something seemed really weird. As tall as I felt
before, I now felt particularly squashed. It was kind (continued
on page 8)of an out of body experience, as if I was looking at
myself and the world around me through a circus mirror. I felt as if my pedals would
scrape the ground with every stroke. I stopped for a minute and tried to clear my head,
because it really was making me feel like Alice in Wonderland. Was the Cliff bar drugged?
....Probably not. It was new and unopened. Then a frightening thought gradually worked its
way into my head. Extra tall and slim..., with the glasses and short and squashed...,
without them..?? NO! Not my beloved bargain eyewear! I took them out of my jersey pocket
and placed them over my eyes and sure enough, they were causing a correction in my vision.
They make things looks farther away. I stared amazingly, at my hand, on the distant end of
my long skinny arm. After a long pause, I disappointedly replaced the imitation e-frames
in my jersey pocket. I figure I’ll keep them and have the Cliff bar tested for drugs,
just in case.
It took me the rest of the day to feel normal again and I had to ride
in the blazing sun without glasses. The moral of the story: no matter what ZZ Top says
about cheap sunglasses, get good ones that you can depend on and won’t put you in the
twilight zone.
Feel free to call me at 876-1325 or e-mail at CHATTBIKE@aol.com.
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