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Celebrity Bike Shop Owner Death Match
by the BeRZeRKeR
November 1999
"Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, children of all ages. Today we present to you, live from Chattanooga, the Celebrity Bike Shop Owner Death Match! And now here are your announcers: from the "Today Show", Katie Couric and from the World Wrestling Federation, the People’s Champion, the Rock!"
"Hello everyone, I’m Katie Couric and with me today is the Rock. We are very excited about this event aren’t we Rock?
"The Rock says if you don’t get out of the Rock’s face the Rock’s going to put his boot square up your monkey ass!"
"Well. And now on to the race. Today, right before your very eyes you will see all your favorite bike shop owners, the one’s that have given you 10% off all these years, race to the very death. Now, let’s introduce the competitors. First, from Owen Cyclery in Hixson, TN, Tom "Stone Cold" Owen." From Suck Creek Cycles, Mike "Moose" Skiles, "Big Mike" from the Bike Shop and from River City Bikes, Dave "The Hammer" Haberkam. Finally, from East Ridge Cycles, Wayne "The British Bulldog" Mansfield. "
"The Rock wonders how this one-horse town keeps all these pansy shops in business."
"The first stage of the race consists of a headlong run into oncoming traffic on Amnicola Highway at rush hour.
And they’re off! "
"The Rock has seen paint dry faster than this. And grass grow. And cars rust."
"Here come the 4000 pound sport-utes carrying Soccer Moms and their screaming kids from one school function to another. The bikers are out there weaving between the 70-mph traffic. It’s a contest of skill and guts."
"The Rock says some of those guys have a lot of guts to work with."
"Haberkam is in the lead on his Litespeed Liege, with Moose close behind on his Willier. In the second pack, it’s Big Mike on his Quintana Roo followed by Stone Cold Tom Owen on his R4000. Out in the wind, all by himself, the British Bulldog is trying to keep up on his limited edition United States Postal Service Trek personally autographed by Lance Armstrong."
"The Rock says it looks like the mail is not getting through today."
"They are coming up the hill into town, it looks like everyone is going to survive the first stage. Oh no, lookout! A 1984 Dodge Caravan just swerved out trying to beat a red light. Big Mike and Stone Cold don’t have anywhere to go. The van is still accelerating. Boom! And it’s not pretty folks. "
"The Rock says can you believe the damage done to the car?"
"And so as we finish the first stage, we have three bike shop owners left. And now on to the second stage, the descent of Lookout Mountain."
"The Rock says if he wanted to see Rock City, all he would have to do is look in the mirror."
"Now we are on top of Lookout Mountain, and they’re off. As they enter the first curve on Ochs highway, the bikers are discovering our staff has removed their brakes. We can hear a scream over the traffic. Using our special Death Match radar system, we can monitor the bikers’ speed as they plummet down the hill. Wayne "The British Bulldog" takes the early lead. And the radar is showing the Bulldog is at 45 mph and picking up speed. Further behind, Moose and the "Hammer" Haberkam are running neck and neck. The Bulldog is now approaching 70 mph and has a pronounced vibration in his bike. He is starting to weave side to side on the roadway. He’s approaching the Incline Railway overpass. And he’s over the retaining wall! The British Bulldog is flying through the air towards the tracks. Oh, no! Here comes the Incline! Boom! And it’s not pretty folks."
"The Rock hopes the choo-choo is not hurt."
"And now Moose and Haberkam are coming down the hill. It looks like both competitors are going to survive if they can just make the St. Elmo red light. Fortunately, no drunks are pulling out of the Bi-Lo at this time. And so we have the completion of stage two, and two bike shop owners left."
"The Rock wonders if Moose got his name from his favorite lodge."
"Now, for the final stage of this event, the Walnut Street Bridge Cage Match. In this event, both ends of Walnut Bridge will be fenced in and electrified with 100,000 volts. The competitors will then have an opportunity to beat each other to death with their bare hands. And now both men are on the bridge and the fence has been moved into place. The competitors are running straight at each other. Haberkam has grabbed Moose’s head and slammed it into the steel railing.
"That’s got to hurt."
"Moose quickly recovers and has picked Haberkam up and body slammed him across one of the guard posts. Somehow, Haberkam survived and crawled away. Now the contestants, both bloody, are circling each other."
"Titanium is stronger," Haberkam shouts as he swings at Moose’s face.
"Scandium is lighter," Moose says as he throws an uppercut.
"What the hell are they talking about?" says the Rock.
"And now they are on the edge of the bridge and Haberkam has lifted Moose vertically above his head in preparation for a pile driver off the side of the bridge. This could be it for Moose. But wait, Moose has managed to grab Haberkam’s Taco Bell jersey and is pulling him off the bridge with him. Unbelievable! Both men are falling towards the Tennessee River. Oh no! The Chattanooga Star Riverboat has just drifted under the bridge. And it’s not a pretty sight. Rock did you see that? Chattanooga is without a bike shop!"
"The Rock says he was too busy looking at this Performance Bike catalog."
Editors Note: The BeRZeRKeR was just kidding and would like to keep his 10% discount.
