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Daisy Sets Her Mind
by the BeRZeRKeR
August 1999
On the morning of her fifty-seventh birthday, Daisy was sitting behind her desk at work trying to swallow a dry piece of cake that one of her co-workers had made. Through bloodshot eyes, she tried to focus on her computer screen, the same screen she’d been staring at for fifteen years. She hadn’t slept at all the night before; instead she had stayed up and watched her 1989 Tour de France video fourteen times in a row. Suddenly, Daisy spit the cake into the trashcan. "I’ve got other retirement plans", she said, and walked out the door.
Her next stop was Suck Creek Cycles. Cashing in a large portion of her 401K plan, Daisy purchased a top of the line Litespeed. Including her custom-made titanium luggage rack and specially padded Tailbones saddle, the bike weighed in at sixteen pounds. Daisy was planning on doing some serious riding.
Since work was no longer a factor, Daisy started riding morning, noon, and night. When she wasn’t riding she was reading the latest articles on sports medicine and exercise physiology. She soon became an expert on training techniques, nutrition, and race strategy. In a very short time, Daisy was riding a hundred miles a day. On her days off, she did heavy squats. Her quadriceps grew to the size of telephone poles.
People in the bike club started noticing the change. On the Thursday night rides, she became a force to be reckoned with. Few club members could even keep up in her draft. Eventually it got to the point where she would stop and wait at the finish line for the rest of the sprinters.
She trained continuously. While dinner was cooking on the stove, Daisy would spin on her trainer in the living room. She would climb Burkhalter’s gap 7 or 8 times before lunch. To maintain her energy output, she consumed 10,000 calories per day. Hugh had to get a second job to keep her in carbohydrates.
Around this time, Daisy started experimenting with performance enhancing drugs. She tried ephinidrine, androsterone, clembuterol, and adenosine tri-phosphate. She mailed off to Mexico for horse tranquilizer. She got into Hugh’s secret cache of Viagra.
People in the bike club were starting to get annoyed at the way she took off on the rides and they never saw her again. She started winning local races. She beat Byron in the Tour de Raccoon Mountain by ten minutes. In the Tennessee State Time Trial Championship, she averaged 31 miles per hour.
She started getting the attention of the local press. The Lookout Mountain Tomato & Banana Company offered to become her sponsor. A group of medical students from the University of Tennessee came down to perform tests on her. Her body fat was 4.2%. Her resting heart rate was 30 beats per minute. She had a vertical jump of 36 inches and a 4.7 second 40 yard dash.
In the spring of the following year, Daisy turned pro. In an effort to intimidate her opponents, Lookout Mountain Tomato & Banana Company took out a full-page ad in the USA Today. It was an unretouched photograph of Daisy pedaling down a flat, deserted road. A cop on the side of the road had his radar gun leveled at her. The 42 miles per hour on the read-out can clearly be seen along with the "Tennessee Daisy" license plate on the back of her bike. The caption at the bottom of the page reads, "Eat your veggies!" Sales quadrupled overnight.
That year, Daisy dominated the U.S. racing circuit and qualified for the Tour de France. In Europe, the fans adored her. Whenever she road past, they threw yellow daisies on the road and shouted "Viva la Daisy!"
The Tour quickly became a heated battle between Daisy and the Italian rider, Marco Pantani. Heading into the Alps, Daisy was 2 minutes behind. But, her training on Lookout Mountain paid off and she was able to close to within 45 seconds. The final battle came down to a heated sprint at the end of the Roubaix-Paris stage. The peloton was elbow to elbow flying over the wet cobblestones. In an effort to secure the win for Pantani, four members of the Italian team tried to block Daisy. In a move that will be remembered by racing fans for years, Daisy jumped her bike onto the crowded Paris sidewalk. Pedestrians dove for cover. Cameras went flying. Fruit stands were knocked over. Somehow, Daisy was able to stay on her bike and get back on the street behind Pantani. The finish line was 200 meters ahead. Pantani was standing up hammering for all he was worth. Daisy was right behind him.
In the last twenty yards, squeezing out every ounce of energy she had, Daisy swung out to pass. At the last second, Daisy crossed the finish line before Pantani, winning the Tour de France. The crowd went berzerk ™. Later, when she was disqualified because of her sidewalk maneuver, riots broke out all over Europe. When asked by a reporter why she didn’t settle for second place, Daisy responded, "Not interested."
When it was over, Daisy came back home to Lookout Mountain. As she walked in the door carrying her bags, Hugh asked her, "You going back to work now?"
